Funny, Funny Stories From my days at Eden, P.D.

By Michael D. Martin, E.C.P.D. Retired

About the author...Michael Martin (pictured front row, far right in the 1981 photo) is a retired veteran of 25 years on the Eden City Police Department, and has penned a number of anecdotal writings recalling his experiences.

LVII. Letter from Ben Franklin

June 25, 1745
My Dear Friend,
     If you persist in thinking that sex is inevitable, then I repeat my former advice that in your amours you should prefer older women to younger ones. This, you call a paradox, and demand my reasons. They are these:
1..because they have more knowledge of the world and their minds are better stored with observations, their conversations are more improving, and more lastingly agreeable.
2..Because when women cease to be handsome, they study to be good. to maintain their influence over man, they supply the diminution of beauty by an augmentation of utility. They learn to do a thousand services, small and great and they are the most tender and useful of all friends when you are sick. Thus, they continue amiable. And hence there is hardly such a thing to be found as an old woman who is not a good woman.
3..Because there is no hazard of children, which irregularly produced, may be attended with much inconvenience.
4..Because through more experience they are more prudent and discreet in conducting an intrigue to prevent suspicion. the commerce with them is therefore safer with regards to your reputation, and regards to theirs. If the affair should happen to be known, considerate people might be inclined to excuse an old woman who would kindly take care of a young man, form his manners by her good councils, and prevent his ruining his health and fortunes among mercenary prostitutes.
5..Because in every animal that walks upright, the deficiency of the fluids that fill the muscles appears first in the highest parts. The face first grows lank and wrinkled, then the neck, then the breasts and arms, the lower parts continuing to the last as plump as ever, so that covering all above with a basket, and regarding only what is below the girdle, it is impossible of two women to know an old from a young one, as in the dark, all cats are grey.
The pleasures of corporal enjoyment with an old woman is at least equal, and frequently superior, every knack being by practice capable of improvement.
6...Because the sin is less, the debauching of a virgin may be her ruin and make her life forever, unhappy.
7..Because the compunction is less, having made a young girl miserable may give you frequent bitter reflections, none of which can attend making an old woman happy.
8...and lastingly, they are so grateful!!

your affectionate friend

                                                                       BENJ. FRANKLIN


Michael D. Martin

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